Well, the election everyone was both eager for and dreading has come and gone. If you’re involved in any spiritual or wellness communities, you’ve likely seen people urging “empathy for both sides” and asking people harmed by Trump’s policies to “show understanding for why people vote for him”.

I’m not about to claim there’s anything wrong with empathy or kindness – there isn’t, of course. But there is something wrong when we distort the meaning of those words and use them manipulatively, and this is something I see happen frequently with the concept of “empathy” in particular.

The actual meaning of the word is simply feeling what another feels and having an understanding of their experience, but it’s taken on some different (and not always so healthy) connotations in many spiritual and New Age circles. “Showing empathy” or being an empath often implies having weak boundaries, being conflict-avoidant, and being endlessly accepting and understanding in the name of “non-judgement”. Being empathetic is also often seen as being more spiritually evolved, and the mark of a “good person”. People wear the label of “empath” as a badge of honour, and use it to distance themselves from meanness or “unevolved” behaviour – this is especially noticeable with the “empath vs. narcissist” trope. Empathy is used as an indicator of goodness, purity, and how spiritual you are.

Being a sensitive person has had negative connotations for a long time, so I think the reclamation of this strength through the label of “empath” has been beneficial in many ways. But I also think that when we distort the meaning of empathy, it leaves a lot of room for using it against people by veiling our true intentions.

Some people will ask for “empathy” when what they really want is for you to stop using discernment. They may call on your “understanding” when what they really want is to be absolved of responsibility for their actions. They may seem indignant at your “lack of empathy” and expect more from you as a “sensitive and intuitive person” when they’re actually just angry that you’ve set boundaries with them.

And because we conflate empathy with goodness and innocence, this adds a layer of subtle manipulation. Implying a lack of empathy in someone calls their goodness into question, bringing up guilt and shame and self-doubt. To avoid these feelings and prove our goodness, we acquiesce. We weaken our muscle of discernment so we don’t seem judgy, we contort ourselves to avoid getting into conflict so we don’t appear divisive or negative. This is amplified by the inequalities that power and privilege create: the more marginalized someone is, the more empathy is demanded of them, and the more privilege someone has, the more they feel entitled to demand empathy and not give it.

If you’ve been on the receiving end of these kinds of disingenuous demands for empathy, I see you. I know the guilt and inner conflict this can invoke. You don’t have to sacrifice your boundaries, your discernment, or your expectations of how others treat you in the name of being empathetic or “spiritual”. It can help you navigate this guilt if you look deeper at what you’re really being asked for, and if the word empathy is being used as a code for something else. It’s also helpful to look deeper at what we’re really asking for as well, especially when there’s an unequal power dynamic with the person we’re seeking empathy from. We all have a responsibility to examine how we use and misuse our power in the world.